Tag Archives: woman

“You are killing US with YOUR jealousy”

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So far I have enlightened the world with my thoughts on jealousy and self-esteem. I want to clear up any misunderstandings that may have some male people thinking that I am targeting only women here. Jealousy and self-esteem issues also can imprison men as well as women. No one is excused from real human emotions. Emotions know no face, color, size or gender. There are two victims here, not just one.

I also feel that I have neglected to reveal how the other party involved in a relationship that suffers from jealousy or self-esteem issues also suffers.

A relationship is a partnership. It is a commitment made between two people, in that we will stand by each other through thick and thin. Unfortunately, when it is a jealousy issue, both parties are effected. We tend to focus on the person that is trapped in the prison of worry, more than the other person that is caught in the line of fire, partly because we need to free that side first, then we can help heal the other.

Well I am now going to share that persons prison of hell as well.

To be accused and mistrusted by the one you love is a hardship and a definite pain that one cannot bear for a long time. They eventually either walk away or take a stand and call out to you, (the attacker) to please stop; to please listen to what you are saying and accusing them of.

Time after time they try so hard to reassure you that they do love you and that they are not interested nor lusting for anyone else. When they try to tell you that it is all in your mind, they risk getting attacked more for defense. It is no doubt a vicious circle. They become paranoid that no matter where they are, you are already convinced that they have betrayed you in some way. They wait for the shoe to drop. Some times it takes a few days, some times it drops immediately. Never the less they have to sit by and worry about when it will drop. They fear that this time they will not be able to say the right thing. They fear we will get even more depressed and irrational with what they say to us. They begin to feel, “damned if they do, and damned if they don`t”. I personally hate that feeling. To think that I myself would put someone in that position makes me want to run away faster than Forrest Gump.

The neglect you put on that person through your jealous insecurities is as real to them as your feelings of being trapped in your prison of doubt. There are many scenarios as to why jealousy rises up inside people, but for the innocent ones that really do not ever do anything to trigger that fear inside you, they are the innocent victims. People that have come to the point of identifying their issues and have began to deal with them, please remember the other person that is there with you. They too need special attention, because they have shared your fears and your pain. In a much different way, never the less, they still ache. Jealousy can destroy so many good things in ones lives. It can destroy our mate, through you, it kills the one thing that you love deeply. The worst part about it is, that you allow it. You must stop. Would you take a gun and shoot your mate? NOT!! So then why are you allowing this emotion to torture what is so dear to you? I repeat, as long as your mate is not responsible for your fears or if they have made amends and are trying to make things better, then please understand their pain of being mistrusted. When they see you in pain and they are being told it is because of them, they crumble. Your mate loves you as much as you love them, and to feel they are responsible for your trapped feelings eats them up inside. To see you smile and feel totally loved makes them feel good about themselves in that they are responsible for that smile. That is a good feeling all the way around.

Also be careful not to fall into that habit of being unhappy through jealous feelings. Understand where they are coming from. Are you using them as a reason to get attention? Again, a wrong kind of attention. If you cannot get the right attention you feel you are lacking, then talk to your partner. Do not let jealous emotions take over and confuse what you really are trying to say. Any weakness in your mind is a direct route for negative feelings to travel through. Once they get there, they work very quickly at bringing you down. So be aware of what exactly you are feeling.

I hope that I have at least opened up some thoughts in your minds as to what else is going on in a relationship that is plagued by jealousy. Both sides are equally being torchered and killed. We need to LIVE, LOVE & LAUGH more often with each other. Oh and lets not forget my favorite thing to do…HUGGGGGG!!!!

One thought from my heart to yours:

Say this outloud:

“I am always ready to risk.
I am always ready to learn.
I am always ready to test my strength, and so I put my worries aside and just live!”

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BROKEN TRUST!

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BROKEN TRUST……ever been there?

BROKEN TRUST……ever spent sleepless nights because of it?

BROKEN TRUST……ever felt your stomach eat itself through the lining?

BROKEN TRUST……ever been so confused with what is real and what is not ?

BROKEN TRUST……ever feel like your entire world has just turned upside down?

BROKEN TRUST……ever feel like dieing?

If you have been there so to speak, then you know what it means to suffer from a trust betrayal, or BROKEN TRUST. For lack of a better word. It just plain SUX!

I want to say that we need to experience a broken trust in order to really be able to feel an unbroken trust, but this is not so. There are some experiences in life that no one deserves and dealing with a BROKEN TRUST is certainly one of the top ten.

Some people go through their lives never experiencing the feelings of betrayal or deception or a BROKEN TRUST. For them life is always good and on an even keel. They cannot even imagine what others, that have had even one of those experiences, is feeling or trying to explain.

Have you ever just been totally blinded by your affection with another that you over look every warning sign.? Have you caught a glimpse of a warning sign, and when confronting your partner about it, you believe them after some discussion, but still have a lingering feeling of doubt? Have you ever came upon warning signs that are as real as your hand and when you tried to question them about it, you were made to feel like you were doing something wrong even thinking that they had anything to do with it, yet in your guts you could not feel that you were wrong?
Have you ever brought solid issues up to your partner, because you just need to know, and all they do is get angry and accuse you of not trusting them?

In all these scenarios, the partner being confronted is either guilty, or not.
They could be guilty but with an honest excuse. They could be very good at playing the reverse the attack game, making you feel like you are the wrong doer in the end. Or they just plain pretend that they have no clue what you are talking about and ignore it altogether, again making you out to be the problem if you persist to question.
When you love someone, it does not mean that you should turn a blind eye and agree with their every thought or decision. You, as your own person have choices. If you feel threatened or betrayed, you have the right to clear up those feelings.

Just because you question your partner about an issue does so not mean that you lack TRUST or LOVE. Matters of the heart are very tricky to deal with. One can become very defensive and take any question as a personal attack. That is why emotional wars in any relationship are so draining and confusing.

No one wants to mistrust their partner, but what is one to do when certain signs keep coming up time and time again? Love is only so blind. Some people go through life succeeding in their game of denial or turning the tables to suit themselves. Those types are the hardest people to deal with in a relationship. Eventually you are always the one that ends up feeling hurt and accused of not trusting.. Not only hurt by what you feel is wrong but also, you feel defeated in what you feel and believe is right. Because of your love for your partner and the desire to keep things happy, you stay quiet and try to “Let it go”. Then you find yourself mistrusting even more because you are forced to decide about things in your own mind, for fear of being wrong again. This is where a communication break down occurs between two people in a relationship. Once that happens, both parties are on separate roads going separate places and sometime never ever meeting on the same road again.
If you are any of these personalities listed above and you care about your partner, then you must not let communication fall to the way side. Also you must not take it as a personal attack, but more of a person crying for help. It is them that is suffering from a BROKEN TRUST and they are in need of your patience and understanding. They are not enjoying their torture at all. In some ways they are trying to share the pain with you. I know that sounds a bit confusing , but to be human is to be a confusion.
Life can be so good when we have no BROKEN TRUST issues to deal with. Also we need to respect one another and not add to the confusion of a “Normal” relationship by deceiving or belittling our partner. Relationships are at thier best when both partners are at peace and respect one another!

Some hurts cannot be repaired,

but at least they not need be endured alone!

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eing Dumped, just plain sucks!

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Hurricanes really suck. Even if they do not reach you, they still threaten your safety net. Florida survived last years attack of Mother Nature, so we are a little more courageous this year. Not much, but a little. I would love to meet the person that pissed her off (Mother Nature). Not only does she get even, but she does it with a vengeance. That’s like PMS & Menopause all rapped up. So, for all you poor souls that are in for that ride(PMS & Manopause), and have no clue what it is all about, think hurricane. It can turn in a second and destroy you. Oh, and it has many names also, like bitch, nag, crazy, nuts, annoying, female, insane, messed up, pms’ing, hallucinating, on drugs, stupid bitch, mentally challenged, and that’s just a few, except they are not in an alphabetical order like the hurricanes. OK so we are disorganized. BITE ME! You seriously have to be PMS`ing to be able to understand (winks). I can only hope that everyone gets as many laughs as I have so far typing this.

OK, now onto more serious matters in life. Today I received a question from a guy. Here is what he said:

“Posted by Anonymous
The last woman I was involved with was quite full of herself.
So then why did she dump me?”

And my answer to him was this… “Posted by Dorothy
Hey there, sorry to hear about your being dumped. Not knowing either of you, it is really hard to answer that question. There are many reasons for people walking away from a relationship. It could have plain worn out. Also they could have found someone else. Either way, it sucks, and you have to deal with the pain, and learn to get on with your life. It is a challenge, but it does make you aware, of what being human is all about. There is a saying; “If it doesn`t kill you. it will only make you stronger.” Also I am a firm believer in: ” Things do happen for a reason.” Hang in there, things will get better, if you let them. Take Care and thank you for sharing that with me.”

“Being Dumped” really is one of the worst experiences, short of death that we, as humans are faced with in our lives. They say that, death of a loved one is easier to learn to live with, than a break-up , “Being Dumped” or rejection.

All of the above, tell us that we are unacceptable to someone. We immediatley turn it into ourselves and that’s when the self-blame seed is sown. Through self-blame we begin to feel shame. Shame is so painful, that no one talks about it or even wants to think about it. Shame is the least identified emotion we as humans deal with, because we are ashamed of our shame. Shame, is yet another negative emotion, that captures and imprisons us in a pit of hell. It pulls us into a life of silence and inactivity, lying and hiding our true fears. When we are rejected in any situation, it is a true hit to our self-esteem. If we are weak in that area, then our fall is going to be very hard. If we are strong in that area, we will quickly become weak. I wrote this in a recent blog:

“When we first fall in love; What is that saying, “Love is Blind”? Ha! Now that’s funny, because it really is blind. We trust so instantly and genuinely that we potentially set ourselves up for the biggest fall in our lives. Why is that? Is it because we are so driven by nature to want to trust someone? Or is trusting someone just a happier, easier, way of life.”

So there it is, we as humans, live to love and want to be loved. We are blinded by the romance of the word ~ LOVE~. We are made happy by the word~LOVE~, but we are also hurt by the word ~LOVE~. So why do we continually set ourselves up? We are gambling, and we do not even know it. Or, is life simply just that, a gamble? The bottom line is, no one wants to get “DUMPED”, because it is not in our nature to know how to accept it. How many of you have been, “DUMPED” and just knew that your life had ended? You just knew that you will never see anything the same again. Well, you were partly correct there. It is like any other change in our lives. Things will be different than we are use to. Your life has definitely not ended. Yes, your partnership has ended with a person, and maybe it was not expected, but nor are hurricanes or wars. We deal with it all, we have to. We chose to survive. Think of it as starting a new life. Newness is positive and healthy. Look at things differently, and embrace all that newness. Do not fear it. “BEING DUMPED”, is just another chapter in your book of life. If you had no chapters, think how dull your book would be. Now, you can open your self to another chapter, and believe me, there are many. If you spend the rest of your life wondering all the “WHY`S”, just think, you have wasted even more of your precious time on something that has chosen another road. As for the fact that a person is, full of themselves, that really has nothing to do with the “Why’s” of “Being Dumped”. Even the most confident people close doors on relationships. They in fact, have more courage to do so than a person of less confidence, or being less full of themselves, so to speak. Who Knows? All we know is that the decision has been made and you as a person, with intelligence, must turn the page. Getting stuck in that feeling just makes therapists rich. (wink) Life offers many, many humps and bumps. We trip and fall, over and over again. The trick is to get real good at picking yourself up and dusting off the old dirt. This is life. I told my daughter, when she was struck by her first cupids arrow, “If you are going to get emotionally involved, be prepared to get emotionally uninvolved.” It’s life! One very important thing we must remember; when we are at the bottom and we feel we are worthless and will never ever TRUST again, it’s is a nothing more than a human emotion. We know it as doubt. We can over come doubt very easily. Look in the mirror, and tell yourself, that you are UNIQUE, and you are going to make happiness your goal. You must risk all the falls to reach that goal. Letting yourself believe that you are deserving of another relationship is truly a risk, again another gamble. But what is life without a little risk? We have the power to overcome our negative self. We just need to DO IT!!

“Self doubt is not an option!

Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we often might gain

by fearing attempt.”

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How Silence Can Destroy A Relationship

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I talk with many women who don’t understand what brought their relationships to the point of needing therapy. After all, ‘they don’t ever argue with their husbands’. Well, of course that sends a huge, waving, red flag up. If you NEVER disagree, you probably aren’t being honest or worse – not saying anything.

Relationship silence. It’s a poison for you and your partner because usually when you’ve reached the point of silence – or shutting down – and just not wanting to deal with your partner on any type of meaningful communicative way…you’re in big trouble and could be headed for a break-up or separation.

How do I know if we are being silent?
You know that your relationship is suffering from silence when you haven’t debated with your partner about anything in the past few months – in fact, you haven’t had an interesting conversation about anything that is important to either of you in the past few months or weeks. You have disconnected. And either you or he initiated the silence in an effort to stop having to deal with judgments, criticisms, and other negative conversation killers.

Why is it such a poison?
When there is healthy debate or even heated arguing in a relationship, that means that both people are trying to get their voices heard. They are trying to get their points across. They are trying convince their partners of something or convince themselves. Any way you slice it – opinions are out on the table and both of you know where the other stands. With silence, no one knows where the other stands. There is a lot of guessing and assuming, because no one is being heard. And we all know where that can lead.

What can I do about it?
Relationship silence is easy to cure. Just start talking. The biggest hurdle is for someone to take the first step. The second is to begin to understand why you both shut down to begin with. What was the last big argument you had? And what was said? And if the silence has gotten beyond the point of anyone taking that first leap of faith – you may need an impartial person such as a mediator, religious leader, or therapist to help you through it.

Quick Tip: If you are afraid to talk to your partner because of what his reaction may be – ask yourself “what am I afraid of?” What would the worst case scenario be if I demanded to be heard? Do I trust my partner not to judge me, berate me, or leave me if I speak up?

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