Help! My Husband’s Buddies Are Butting Into My Marriage

Ask the Marriage Maven: Help! My Husband’s Buddies are Butting into My Marriage

Q. My husband always wants to hang out with his ìboysî. He used to hang out with them a lot before we got married, and I thought that after we got married things would change and that heíd want to spend more time with me. Wrong!

It would be different if they did something productive, but all they do is sit around watching TV, playing video games, and listening to music. None of them have wives or serious girlfriends, except my husbandó so I know they talk about other women, too.

Weíve only been married a year, and I already feel like weíre slipping into an old married couple relationship. A lot of fussing–and not much good communication. Iím afraid we wonít make it past year two. What can I do to make him want to spend more time with me?

J. N.

A. It is important that you and your husband spend a good amount of time together, especially as you guys are still learning what marriage is all about. But breaking up the boys club could be disastrous to your marriage. So I would not recommend telling your husband to cut his friends off completely, unless they are encouraging him to be unfaithful to you or contributing to addictive behaviors.

I know it can be annoying if your husband seems like heíd rather spend time with his buddies instead of you, but youíll need to give him some rope. Whatever you do, donít nag him about his time with his friends and let it be a constant source of bickering. Be clear that you want to spend more time with him, but let your actions be positive.

Here are three positive actions you can take:

1. Encourage the boys to meet in your house. Make his friends feel welcome in your home, make snacks (if you like to cook), and give them room to do their thing.

2. Suggest regular dates with your husband. Fill his social calendar at least once or twice a week with a planned activity that you two can share together. These dates donít have to be expensive or overly involved. They can be as simple as a walk in the park or coffee at you local coffee shop. You can initiate until he feels the need to do more of the planning.

3. Another solution would be to set his friends up. I know that itís a little sneaky and risky, but it can work. If theyíre just two or three of them, have monthly mixers (or get-togethers) in your home with them and some of your single girlfriends. Who knows, they may hit it off, thereby freeing up some of your husbandís time.

A combination of these three suggestions, will probably work best. Theyíll broaden your social life and deepen your relationship with each other. I hope these ideas have been helpful. Iím wishing you all the best in your marriage!

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Are You In a Toxic Relationship, Improve It Or Better Get Out!

The most significant thing you can do in any relationship is to be honest and gain the trust of your partner. But if the relationship is a ìtoxic relationshipî, you might want to find the best solution that works for the both partners and be honest while doing so. You first need to decide if the toxic relationship is suffering because of your own issues, including behaviors. People change; emotions change and when we get to a point of no return, we can often search inside ourselves to see if the problem in the relationship lies within ourselves.

Relationships are based on trust and understanding one another. If you do not have trust and understanding, more than likely your relationship will turn into a ìtoxic relationshipî. This means you and your partner need to find a solution to deal with the problem, or get out.

Building a solid foundation is the first step to a successful relationship. Foundations based on stability offer a rewarding, long-lasting relationship, while unstable foundations lead to breakups. Therapy is good, but if you can sit down and talk through your own problems this is the best solution and it will save you money.

Incompatibility can lead to breakup, thus weighing out your relationship vigilantly before committing more seriously to the relationship can prevent disaster. If you are already involved in a toxic relationship more than likely, you will need to evaluate the compatibilities. You do have the options of working through the incompatibilities or getting out.

Compatibility extends to family history. If you are suffering problems due to family quarrels, the ride gets strenuous. Families that tend to like the person their child is with, is less likely to give you problems. Many persons who begin relationships and have been with their mate for sometime may find that neither party is compatible. The relationship can still work if the two of you communicate and comprise a plan that both can agree on. Read and learn the steps in good relationships by buying books that offer a good strategy for the incompatible couples.

Many times people commit to relationships with the idea that they can change the other person later. This is never good! Either you like whom you meet, or you do not. No one can change another human being, the person must have the desire to change him or her self, and the first step to change is acceptance and then willingness to make the changes.

One should be skeptical of those who vow to change for you. Often the promises are not met, or the person has ìhidden terrorsî that could be forced onto you later.
If you are a dreamer, you may look at your mate as a fantasy. This is not good either. You lose the benefits by not getting to know the person you have mated with or you wake up from your dream and find that you made a serious mistake.

The chief focus to keep in mind is to communication, spend quality time, stay focused, and lay a good foundation for your relationship; keep it honest and learn to trust one another, with unselfish motives.

As you can see, sharing plays a large part in love and relationships. When two people share, they are giving something to the other that leaves a lasting feeling of joy and love. Two people working together without selfishness often build a relationship on solid grounds, and often endure through tribulations, joyous moments, and so forth. Relationships built on solid grounds rarely fall apart when troubles come their way. Thus, enhance your toxic relationship, or get out!

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Marriage or Divorce ó Check Your Social Security Number

Newlyweds and the recently divorced should make sure that names on their tax returns match those registered with the Social Security Administration (SSA). A mismatch between a name on the tax return and a Social Security number (SSN) could unexpectedly increase a tax bill or reduce the size of any refund.

For newlyweds, the tax scenario can begin when the bride says “I do” and takes her husband’s surname, but doesn’t tell the SSA about the name change. If the couple files a joint tax return with her new name, the IRS computers will not be able to match the new name with the SSN. This could result in tax assessments or even an audit since the IRS may be under the impression that you are simply evading taxes.

Similarly, after a divorce, a woman who had taken her husbandís name and had made that change known to the SSA should contact the SSA if she reassumes a previous name. Failure to take this action can lead to audits. Can you imagine going through an audit with your former spouse?

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Marriage Counseling

Currently, the western world has a divorce rate of close to 50%. Some countries have an even higher rate. So why are we seeing an increase in divorce and how can marriage counseling help save marriage ñ yours and other peoples?

I think it’s fair to say that the easier you make something the more often it will occur. If it becomes more frequent it loses its taboo and therefore becomes far more acceptable in societyís eyes.

My wife is from a divorced family. When she was a kid at school she was in the minority and it was a stigma. Now, my children are in the minority of those whose parents are still together. Of course, one of the major impacts of divorce is on the family. The impact on young children is often underestimated and we should recognize that even though one in two marriages may end ñ no matter how common, it doesnít reduce the impact on the family.

Marriage counseling is form of therapy and conflict resolution. It is normally carried out by trained psychotherapist (though not always). For it to work properly both parties need to attend, though separate sessions will most likely be helpful.

If you are considering seeing a marriage counselor then here a few points to consider and questions to ask to help save marriage.

1. Is a first assessment session free?
2. How many times a week are needed?
3. Do you need to pay after each session?
4. Is the marriage counselor qualified?
5. Is the marriage counselor recommended by someone you trust?
6. How long will each session be?
7. Are you able to contact the marriage Counselor outside of session times?
8. Will the sessions fit in with your work schedule?

I am all for marriage counseling to save marriage, however, very often people are being paid huge sums to point out the blindingly obvious. In fact a lot of issues are screaming out to be noticed and normally have been by friends and family.

Of course, having an independent ear can be very useful – but you can achieve a huge amount yourself. With the right techniques, you can actually conduct your own marriage counseling.

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Marriage Counseling-Prevent Therapist Assisted Marriage Suicide

People want to get married and stay married. In fact, according to a study by Family Service of America, more than 70% of adult Americans believe that ìmarriage is a lifelong commitment.î Interestingly, even 81% of divorced and separated Americans still believe marriage should be for life. Yet, over half of marriages end in divorce.

Too often, even those couples seeking professional help do not receive the tools they need. As divorce became more socially accepted in the 1970ís and 1980ís, many therapists actual assist in marriage suicide by viewing divorce as a life style option or as a pathway to personal growth. Though well meaning, too often they advise clients to get a divorce stating without full knowledge of the enormous consequences of divorce. At best, they take a ìmarriage neutralî attitude of ìwhat ever makes you happy,î without knowledge of the current research on happiness.

Studies on divorce and happiness demonstrate that many divorced persons are actually less happy five years after the divorce. Couples you worked through their problems and avoided divorce tend to have higher levels of happiness after five years.

So why don’t couples work harder to make their marriages work? Because they don’t have the tools.

Barbara Bartlein, clinical psychotherapist and author of “Why Did I Marry You Anyway? 12.5 Strategies for a Happy Marriage,” has developed a program to improve your relationship. You learn:

*How therapists doom marriages
*Why marriages are failing
*The #1 Myth that sabotages marital success
*Tools that assist clients in building trust and commitment
*Strategies to build long term relationships

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Marriage Counseling-Make Time for Your Relationship by Avoiding Urgency Addiction

Lori Zimmermann of Santa Barbara, California, worked for a large international retail organization for eight years. She entered corporate America with the intent to stay and make a career. But after eight years, she called it quits and started freelancing to have more control over her work hours and her life.

ìI never felt finished at work,î she explains. ìWhile I could maintain the status quo, I really couldnít make it better. We worked up to 60 hours a week just to get the job done. It wasnít directly said you had to do it, but everyone else was working that hard, so you just felt it was expected.î

She walked away from a guaranteed salary, a benefit structure, and stock options to have flexibility and control over her time. ìAlthough it has certainly made things tougher financially, Iíve never regretted my decision,î she states.

She is not alone. More and more workers are questioning their role in corporate American and itís ìASAPsî climate. Todayís corporate culture is ìhookedî on urgency where everything is a priority, needing to be done yesterday. This ìurgency addictionî has become a way of life, a workaholic culture. Company routine revolves around a series of emergency ìfiresî that need extinguishing immediately. Employees run from project to project with caffeine energy and buckets of sand. Sprinkling a little sand here, a little there, they feel exhausted at the end of the day, yet cannot point to any specific accomplishment or finished project.

Urgency addiction permeates todayís organizations and affects all who work there. It produces an adrenaline rush of feeling important, but soon leads to exhaustion and burn out. Those who attempt to fight it by asking, ìBut, which one is the priority?î are told, ìEverything is a priority.î Employees dance as fast as they can but fall increasingly behind.

Workers try to compensate by taking work home, coming in early, or sacrificing time on weekends to improve productivity with no interruptions. This additional effort is usually rewarded with yet another project, another area of responsibility, and more simmering fires to extinguish.

By accepting bonuses, promotions, stock options, and buy-outs, boomers are trapped with ìgolden handcuffsî that make it difficult to leave, hard to stay, and impossible to say ìno.î Money becomes the goal rather than a means to an end. Workers find that each rung of the success ladder only takes them to a higher level of urgency addiction. As one executive explained, ìIím at the top, but I donít like the view.î

Some techniques to fight urgency addiction in your life:

*Review your calendar at the beginning of the week. Highlight the priorities and goals for each day. This will help you to narrow your focus. While unexpected emergencies may occur, you will be much less likely to be in a reactive mode if you take time to plan.

*Avoid hop-scotching. Resist hopping from one project to another without finishing what you start. You know what I mean; you start cleaning up a pile on your desk and then decide to create a file system. When you go to look in the files, you realize they have to be thinned, and so on. Finish one thing before you move on to something else.

*Do big projects first. You may have a tendency to gravitate to the projects or work that is easy to do. These often tend to be small projects that are ìno-brainers.î Possibly you kid yourself that if you just clean up these small projects, you can give your full attention to the big things. The problem is never getting around to the large projects. So start with the ones you really donít want to do and the small ones will get done along the way.

*Have a sign over your desk that reads:
Lack of planning on your partÖ
is not necessarily an emergency for me.

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Marriage Counseling–Seven Tips to Live Longer

We have all heard the stories; the executive retires in Spring and dies before the first Winter snowfall. While some may conclude that the former exec just couldnít adjust to retirement, it is more likely that they burned themselves out working. That is, years of shortchanging their own personal well-being finally caught up with them.

It is so easy to get trapped on the treadmill of demanding schedules and too many priorities using caffeinated energy to get things done. It is often self-care that gets put on the shelf first because there just isnít time to exercise and eat right. Yet, there is increasing research that even small lifestyle changes can be a major factor in a long healthy life.

Some suggestions:

ï Keep a long fuse. Scientists use to believe that ìType Aís,î those people driven by ambition, were most at risk for heart attacks. But recent research demonstrates that it is not striving for goals that have people dropping like flies; it is being hostile, angry and cynical. A hostile disposition is also dangerous once cardiovascular disease sets in. Dr. Murray Mittleman, a cardiovascular epidemiologist at the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, interviewed 1623 men and women who had heart attacks. He found that the risk of having an attack was twice as great in those that were angry in the two hours before the incident.

ï Lighten up. There is increasing evidence linking depression to heart disease. Johns Hopkins researchers interviewed 1551 people in the early 1980ís who were free of heart disease. They followed up fourteen years later and found that those who reported a history of a major depression were four times as likely to have a heart attack as those not depressed.

ï Get off the couch. Not only for weight control, better circulation, reduced risk of diabetes, but exercise actually works as an anti-depressant. In a recent study at Duke University, 60 % of clinically depressed people who took a brisk 30-minute walk at least three times per week were no longer depressed after 16 weeks. Increasingly psychiatrists are finding that exercise can often work as well as anti-depressants for the mildly depressed individual.

ï Flatten the middle. Itís been more than 50 years since French scientist Jean Vague noted that people with a lot of upper-body fat (those that look like apples, rather than pears), often developed heart disease, diabetes and other ailments. Since the introduction of CT and MRI scans, Drs. have discovered that a visceral fat, located within the abdomen was strongly linked to these diseases. The good news is that this type of fat also burns off the fastest. This is why even a small reduction in weight can reverse the deadly factors of heart disease.

ï Limit bad habits. Heavy drinking, smoking, overeating, and overcaffeinating are major factors in the development of heart disease and other problems. It has been found that both drinking and smoking tend to increase the abdominal fat that puts folks at risk for heart disease. Excessive caffeine increased blood pressure to dangerous levels for people experiencing job stress.

ï Fire up your metabolism. New research shows that a healthy metabolic profile counts far more than cardiovascular fitness or weight alone. In a Japanese study, a group of men were put on a low-intensity exercise program for one year. Although they did not lose weight, nor improve their cardiovascular fitness, their metabolic health improved dramatically (measured by how well the body utilizes insulin). States Glenn A. Glaesser of the University of Virginia, ìMetabolic fitness is one of the best safeguards against heart disease, stroke and diabetes.î

ï Approach sleep like GoldilocksóJust right. In a recent study of 72,000 nurses published in the January Archives of Internal Medicine, researchers found that getting too little sleepóor too muchómay raise the risk of developing heart disease. Women who averaged five hours or less of sleep a night were 39% more likely to develop heart disease than those that got eight hours. And nine or more hours of shuteye was associated with a 37% higher risk of heart disease.

Your best investment for the future is in your health today.

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Do You Want Trust Back In Your Relationship?

TRUST is hard to earn, but easy to lose. And without TRUST, relationships come apart quickly.

Trust is the belief that a partner has your best interest at heart. And it is impossible to have a healthy relationship without trust.

Trust is a two-way street. Trust involves telling the truth AND being open to hearing what a partner has to say. But, sometimes the truth can be difficult to tell OR hear. When this happens, trust gets damaged and must be repaired.

Relationships are important – without doubt, one of the most important things we have.

At the same time, relationships are difficult, full of problems, and hard to maintain. So, knowing how to rebuild trust is an important skill to master.

Why is it important to rebuild trust?

For starters, being able to repair trust is essential to keeping a close, healthy relationship. And close relationships provide many benefits.

Individuals in close, healthy relationships live longer and enjoy better health. This gain is undoubtedly due to the fact that people in close relationships have a built-in emotional and physical support system ñ someone to care for them and provide comfort in times of need. Not only do people in close relationships live longer, but they report being happier and more satisfied with life than individuals who have a difficult time maintaining a healthy relationship.

Having a close relationship also provides many tangible benefits. Sharing resources with another person is a great way to get ahead in life. Two people working together can live better than what either person could do on their own. When individuals find someone to share life with both people come out ahead.

Furthermore, people in close relationships also receive more social support ñ that is, having someone who is attentive to their needs and concerns. And having social support creates a lot of benefits. Knowing that someone cares, allows individuals to handle life’s problems more effectively. People who feel loved and supported make better decisions with less stress and anxiety.

Finally, having a companion makes life more enjoyable. Having someone to share lifeís little things, like walking the dog, watching TV, eating meals is important; it makes life more entertaining and enjoyable.

All told, close relationships provide enormous benefits to people who are able to maintain healthy relationships.

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How to Win Her Back in 6 Months or Less

It doesn’t matter who dumped who. All you know is that you want her back, but she’s acting like it’s over for good. Is there any hope at all?  If so, what do you need to do or say to stand the best chance of reclaiming her love and affection?

There are a lot of things you can do to win her back. Before we talk about those things, though, I need to give you a disclaimer. You must be absolutely sure that you want her back and want both of you to give each other a second chance. You must also be willing to accept rejection in spite of your best efforts if she truly does not want to get back together with you.

That said, let’s look at the steps you can take.

Step #1: Immediately commit yourself to honoring any boundaries she sets

Your ex probably set up a few ‘post breakup’ rules. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk to you for 3 months or decides the two of you can only hang out in groups. Whatever it is, no matter how painful it may be for you, commit to respecting her choice.

Step #2: Start working on yourself

Did you ex have any criticisms of you that were valid if you allow yourself to consider them?  Go ahead and start working to change those things for your own benefit. Maybe you want to join a gym or quit smoking?  The time is right.

Step #3: Show off the new and improved you

If there is one thing that will get your exes attention, it will be seeing you out on a date with someone else while showing off the new you. Let her see that you’ve changed and that you are now the person she always said she wanted…but you might be taken for good!

A little bit of healthy jealousy and competition will get her thinking about you again, and asking herself what she might have missed out on by pushing you away.

Step #4: Make yourself available, then make yourself scarce

You know what they say: ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’  Once you’re ex is speaking to you and wanting to spend time with you as friends, you can move in for the kill.

Keep things light and fun like they used to be when the two of you first got together. Give her a taste of this, and then make yourself unpredictably available. Turn her down for a Thursday night movie, then randomly call her on Sunday afternoon to have coffee with you. Be a good listener, make her laugh, then hit the door.

This will drive her crazy with the feeling that she not only wants, but needs to connect with you more.

Step #5: Be ready for another ‘talk’

If your strategy is successful, there will come a time when she can’t stand it anymore and will ask if you’re willing to have a relationship talk with her. Keep your cool and be willing to have an honest, open discussion with her.

Hopefully, you’ll have raised her desire enough to make her want to work things out, even if she has to compromise. Congratulations on winning her back!

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You Can Improve Your Relatonships

Is there magic to what makes some relationships last longer than others? Maybe. Do some people just sit back and sulk, while others seem to let life go by right over their heads and problems? It sure seems so. Or maybe itís just that some people learn secrets of success from their grandparents or other relatives or friends. And since the latter is probably more accurate, here are some tried and true tips from people who have enjoyed long, happy relationships.

1. REFRESH ñ Take time to look back, refresh your memories and share what brought you together. Especially when times are difficult, lean back and rely on these old memories as your foundation and glue yourselves back together with them (not literally, of course!)

2. DATES ñ Keep dating each other. Even if life seems too busy, meet at the end of the evening for something light and easy, like viewing your favorite sitcom (record it if necessary) together or playing a game of Euchre.

3. FUN ñ Couple tend to have fun on dates, then get married and too serious. Lighten up. Head to Yahoo Games (off Yahoo.com main site) and join in any number of card or other games. Or head to a local rental shop and rent an Xbox or other game player and some games.

4. FORGET ñ No need to ìalwaysî remember the bad things that happened during an argument. Actively ìforgetî sometimes. Be the first to apologize and make up. Go for it!

5. SPACE ñ Give each other some space. Either you trust or you donít. Get on with life, though. People need time alone and time with their mates and other friends. Be sure to give and take your fair share of space.

6. DISAGREE ñ Agree that itís okay to disagree on some issues, and leave it at that. No need to create a new religion or political movement just to appease both of you. You donít HAVE to agree on everything. And you wonít. And thatís okay.

7. MEMORIES ñ Make some together. Enjoy special moments, special anniversary dates and events. No need to be elaborate. For example, maybe you enjoyed watching a hot air balloon race one spring day. The next year, you might schedule time to watch it again. Make it an annual event. Collect postcards with balloons on the, playing cards, toss pillowsÖover time it becomes a theme.

So donít just sit back and sulk. Take short steps to improve your relationships and let lifeís problems magically pass by while you hold on to your relationship.

Improving relationships require knowing what to do and how to do it. If you follow some tried and true tips, it is possible you can also improve your relationships.

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