What If Your Partner Cheated On You?

I was checking out a women-only romance site the other day and chanced upon an article about infidelity.

The writer strongly opined that it is men that do all the cheating, "because they're men" and that no woman should ever forgive their cheating partner.

This writer went on to say that she had two relationships that ended when she caught on to her partner's cheating ways.

My first thoughts were, "I wonder what is wrong with her (the writer) that she chose men who ended up cheating?"

Instead of examining herself, she lashed out against men in general because "they're men." Maybe it is this attitude that prompted her mates to look over the fence and check out the greener pastures there.

The causes of cheating by both sexes are myriad. Lack of sex at home is probably the least common cause of infidelity. More often there are other circumstances that prompted the affair, but immaturity is probably high on the list.

Not that cheating is age (or gender) specific, rather it is that mature people are more accepting of their choices. They have lived with the idiosyncrasies of their partner (and their partner with theirs), have dealt with them and figured out that they are unimportant in the overall scheme of things.

If you discover you have a cheating spouse/partner/significant- other, your first action should not include dragging out your shotgun. You should ask yourself why this occurred. Did you contribute to this situation by inattention, lack of affection, indifference or an affair yourself?

Fixing blame isn't going to fix the problem, but at least you will know how to proceed. What action should you take? Separation, divorce or break-up . . . or is the relationship worth saving? Can you ever trust them again?

Hopefully, you and the cheater are still communicating. You should sit down together and discuss your options. In the glaring light of day, his or her affair might not stand up to the scrutiny and they may realize they want to stay with you.

If you contributed to the problem, it will come out in any honest discussion with your partner. Is it something you did intentionally or was it unintended? Can this problem be solved? If you can make changes, will they cease-and-desist their extracurricular activities?

It is really all about how important the relationship is to you, the wronged party, and to him or her, the straying one. Can you forgive their actions? "To err is human, to forgive is divine," as the saying goes. Can you be divine?

Whether you can trust your partner once they have been convicted of infidelity, is another matter. Many people would find themselves checking on and being suspicious of every action of the cheater. This in itself would usually be enough to permanently split the relationship.

But, how can you be sure without checking? Your cheating partner should be interested enough in salvaging their relationship with you that they will take the appropriate steps to assure you that your trust is well placed.

Their actions should always be above suspicion. You should not have to verify anything, but it should all be verifiable. If your partner is really sincere about healing the wounds they caused, they should have no problem keeping you informed of their activities when away from home.

This has to be done in a manner where they don't feel you are "policing" their activities away from you. Any truly contrite person would be looking for ways to regain your trust. It should be a voluntary act.

If the unfaithful partner protests or resists any openness about their activities, then you may have more cause for concern. Why would they not want to assure you of their new commitment to your relationship?

After weighing all the data and having frank discussions with the wandering one, you can make a wise choice about the relationship. Statistically, most couples stay together and some relationships go on to be even stronger than before.

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